I did a thing today…something a week ago I would never imagine I would want to do anytime soon. I created a maternity wishlist “just in case.” Not with any plans to be pregnant any time soon, or even knowing there would be another time, but I did it without bursting out in tears. Now, last week my husband and I lost our unborn child. The week before that, the doctor told me “there’s no heartbeat.” How quickly life shifts. Prior to that we were looking forward to our new baby, and although unexpected, we were excited to celebrate this new life. Yet, with just a few words everything shifted, and we had to accept that tragedy had interrupted our narrative.
I was originally in shock. Then that shifted to anger. From there was guilt and fear that I was the cause…then, there was an immense sadness that permeated the very essence of my being…but the cycle is not linear as emotions shift from day-to-day; however, in the midst of my own pain, I have found myself encouraging others.
Sometimes we do not understand the “why” of what we are experiencing. We may have questions. I did and still do. I joked that when I get to heaven I need to have a long conversation with God about this period of my life. But, while I am still on earth, I must continue to live acknowledging that pain has a purpose…and while I am sure the memory of this time will remain, the sharpness of the feelings won’t threaten to paralyze me…in time…
So, maybe you are dealing with a situation you never imagined, and you’re not sure how you will navigate this new territory. Well-meaning friends and family may offer you advice and words of comfort, and while you hear it all, you will still have to identify your best steps forward. While you move forward, know that you are strong enough to handle even this seemingly impossible place. On the other side of this heartache, pain, sadness, anger, fear…is more life.
One day, you/we will smile at the fact that you/we did indeed get through today. But, be kind to yourself. Love, allow yourself to be sad, but then to laugh again. Most importantly, embrace every moment. As I have said before you/I win.