Guilt is something else. No, not that guilt after you’ve done something you shouldn’t have. Nope, not even that guilt when you should have done something, but you didn’t. I’m talking about that overwhelming and under appreciated since of guilt you feel when you are almost ashamed of being free. Seems like an oxymoron right? Yeah. Crazy, right? Maybe. See, I’m used to feeling the guilt and shame over my past. I thought that was normal enough, and I learned to move on from it; however, I was not prepared for what came right after me choosing to forgive and love myself. Admittedly, I have a bit of a complex. You know, that complex which makes you want everyone to love you, and you never want to hurt anyone’s feelings. I used to always be the one who would put how I felt aside to make sure that everyone else was ok, even at the expense of myself. So, when it came to my freedom, it was interesting to note that things changed for me. I had a box I had allowed myself to be kept in, but when I started breaking out of it, I almost went back in for fear that I would hurt someone or others would not like the new me. Almost. Then, something in me clicked, and that crazy guilt of being free changed to indignation. Why shouldn’t I be free? Why should I allow others to relegate me to what I was, and think they know me based on “back then”? What is so wrong with me choosing freedom? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. So, for you who are struggling because of who and what you used to be…for you who are holding back because you would rather please everyone else than be happy, today is your prison break. Break free from the chains. Choose to think of yourself as better than what was, and be who you are in this moment. Don’t feel guilty. Don’t be afraid. Step in to it. Some won’t understand. Some may walk away, but know that who is for you will continue to be. You stand.
Sometimes life can be strange. Things are going well, then they are not. You’re happy. Then you’re sad. Life can become an emotional roller coaster. This is especially so when you watch everyone around you being seemingly successful while you seem stuck right where you are-even more so when you have just one desire that you want the most, but that one thing is THE thing that eludes you time and time again. For once, I’m not writing about something I have already lived through. I am writing about something that I am living daily. A struggle. A deep and hurtful thing. Yet, it is my path to walk. What do you do, though, when it seems that your path means you have to celebrate everyone else as they get what you want? How do you respond and mean what you say? You just do. I know that is difficult because our human nature is to live by emotions. We give in to what we feel, many times regardless of the consequences. Quite often, we only think about the consequences when it is too late to take back our initial reaction. We sometimes end up acting out in hurt and hurting others. That way of living only leads to greater hurt, and not being fulfilled. One thing I am learning while walking my path and watching others get what I desire, is that sometimes your strength is built by being able to stand in the midst of the pain. That means keeping a smile on your face, and finding something deep within you that makes you truly joyful and happy for those around you. Yes, that can take time, but when you find that place, hold on to it. Your path is your own to walk, and though it may be difficult, don’t despair of what you are meant to walk out. Just know that, as it is said, delay is not denial. You will get everything you are meant to have, but first you have to journey to a place where you still BELIEVE. Regardless of anything, I still believe that I will see beauty for my “ashes”, and that this journey will be worth it. Stay on the path.