Life Happens

From the Heart of Grace Waters…

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Fruitful Barrenness

I remember it like it was just yesterday…”you have PCOS…” Then, I remember as the doctor’s, year-after-year, told me that I would need medications to regulate everything. As time went on, doctor’s begin to talk about infertility. I watched them make faces each time they asked about birth control and I denied using any. They asked about how long I had been married, and they made more faces. I saw it in their faces before they told me it would be highly unlikely that I would be able to have children due to my condition. Then, my last doctor stopped returning my calls, letting me know there was nothing else she could do unless I opted for an experimental surgery that could possibly help. So, there I was, at the end of the line, or so I thought.

But during the journey, despite the heartache and struggles, in spite of watching so many others get what I so desperately desired, I was planting seeds. I encouraged others. I pushed others to believe. I wiped others’ tears. In the back of my mind I knew that even in my heartache, others still needed me to be who God created me to be. Slowly, I began to see the fruits of my labor. I saw people at the moment they chose to keep believing. I watched as others saw their dreams realized, and I rejoiced. Aching inside, I celebrated the fact that while my body appeared to barren, my spirit was alive and well. It was a daily battle, but one I chose not to lose.

Just as I remember the doctor’s telling me about the blemish in me, I remember the day I started feeling a bit “strange.” It was an uncanny feeling, and I took a pregnancy test more to rule out the possibility than to affirm it. To my surprise, what I had almost given up on had become a reality. Three more tests later, I finally believed. My body had rejected what the doctor’s told me.

Ten years later, I am finally seeing what was becoming a distant hope. This was a reaffirming moment, a necessary moment.

So, today I come to encourage you. Maybe you have some things you are believing will come to pass. Maybe the naysayers are more rampant than the encouragers. Keep believing even if the belief shrinks to just a glow in the corner of your heart. In the waiting season, sow into others. Be to others what you sometimes need people to be to you. In your barren place, be fruitful. Let your spirit flourish in the midst of. This is not the end.


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Lifestyles of the “Not So Famous”

I have been writing for years….I mean, like years and years…since I was a little girl. I started writing professionally when I was in high school, and the rest, as “they” say, is history. I write because I love to encourage. I write because it gives me an outlet. I write because it makes me feel alive, and I am passionate about reaching the world beginning with the tip of my pen or the tap of the keys. I am undeniably a writer, and most definitely a motivator. Those facts are intrinsic; however, sometimes I get weary. Sometimes it takes everything to muster up a few words of encouragement. At times, I get serious writer’s block, to the point where I don’t write for weeks.  Then, maybe life happens, and I get distracted; Out of all of that though, one thing never changes, and that is that I am a writer.

Recently, I have been getting a lot of random encouragement to keep writing from some really unexpected places. My grandfather, who admittedly does not like to read books, just told me that he is blown away by my writing and my book makes him want to read. My friend sent me a message telling me that my words have power and are necessary…and more from others. Their words have lifted me up, and pushed me to be and do even more. Sometimes, in the midst of feeling like you are being overlooked, what you do may be even more far-reaching than you realize.

So, don’t stop being who you are because you feel unappreciated or not taken seriously. What is in you will not change just because you don’t feel like “being” it. It is still there. It is still waiting on you to walk into your full potential. Maybe you are not “famous”, and you do not have worldwide acclaim, but to who it matters, you are a “star”…and just maybe you are right where you are supposed to be, processing through the lifestyle of the “not so famous” to come to a place of wholeness and potency to where the very essence of your life’s purpose oozes from your pores even without you having to say a word. So, write…dance…speak…create…be…someone is still watching you…

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Reclaiming Confidence

I recently acknowledged something about myself that I had previously refused to admit–somewhere along the road that I traveled daily I had lost my confidence. Looking at my life over the past year, I sought to pinpoint the exact moment in which my confidence had deserted me. Was it when people began to walk away? No, not then. Was it when I began to seclude myself from the crowd. No, not then. So when did my confidence fade away? I found that my confidence left when I lost faith and trust in myself. I had gotten to a point–due to past mistakes and situations–where I no longer believed in myself. I looked down on myself. No one had to put me down because I was the master of doing that to myself. I noticed that I was walking with my head down. I could not look anyone in the eyes because I was afraid that they would be able to read me and find me lacking. Things reached a climactic moment when I went to stand in front of people for a brief moment, and I almost had a panic attack. As I went back to my seat I was ashamed. How had I let things get away from me like that? Somewhere along the way I had surrendered to a self-degradation process. It all started with a mistake. Then came the self-incrimination. After that was the depression. With the depression came withdrawal. Then I became an actress–I smiled on the outside while cowering on the inside–though many could not see through the pasted on smile. It took me confronting all of the things that had brought me to that point for me to begin to resume even of resemblance of myself. Slowly, I began to trust in and have faith in myself again. I still had a hard time with some things, but everything was changing for the better. Then one day I looked up and realized that things were actually better and I was no longer acting when I smiled. When I chose to begin that process of confronting what had originally stripped me of my confidence, I began to walk in renewed confidence. I knew that I had hit the bottom, but I was ready to pull myself back to the top. Forgiven by God and others, I finally learned to forgive myself. In forgiving myself I learned again to trust myself, which allowed me to trust others. Then with confidence restored, I chose to keep moving forward. Too often we get stuck and we’re drowning, but it seems that no one realizes that we are on the brink of disaster. There are some instances when people may be there to help out, but it’s in those times when no one is around–or you can’t bring yourself to talk to anyone–that you have to decide for yourself to climb out of the hole or stay still and die in that place. Just because we have lost something does not mean that it can never be found again. We just need to put in the work to get it back. It is worth working for. What have you lost? Locate where you lost it and reclaim your possession.