Life Happens

From the Heart of Grace Waters…

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I Am Enough.

For years I struggled with low self-esteem and with a persistent feeling of people rejecting or not liking me. Now, I know where my feelings of rejection came from–I remember vividly the day I was taken from my mother’s home, then placed in my Aunt’s home, only to end up in foster care. I remember thinking that I must have not been good enough, pretty enough, smart enough…just “anything” enough because no one seemed to want me. Then, I remember going from foster home to foster home, and ending up in a home where I never felt I belonged or was accepted. So, my insecurities years later were no surprise, as frustrating as they were. These insecurities and thoughts led me to not really have friends or close acquaintances throughout the years. I did not trust anyone; Nor did I think that anyone could really care about me. Besides, I did not want to open a door to possibly getting hurt. Even now, I think about the fact that I never had that “best friend” that many people around me have–that one you have known for 20 years and gone through many of life’s changes with–the one who knows ALL of your deepest, darkest secrets, and loves you just the same. Yeah, I missed out on that, and sometimes that hurts, but my childhood was just different from many others.

So rejection, fear, abandonment, low self-esteem, and this feeling of not being good enough constantly bombarded me through the years. At some point, I learned to open up enough to let people in, but even then, a small part of me would be looking for the slightest reason to run away. Then, when I finally had a few people who seemed to like me even a little, I began to cater to them, and I slowly lost me. I thought that if I was exactly what they wanted, if I never caused strife, if I did what they wanted, laughed when they laughed, thought like they thought, if I became their mirror image, then of course they would not walk away from me. Somewhere in those thoughts, I believed that I was not good enough to keep the right people around. So, I became a wallflower, always around, but hardly noticed–afraid to do anything that would make people walk away from me. I became a shadow of my shadow’s shadow, lost somewhere in the dark waters of unrealized potential and untapped dreams. For years, that was me. Then something changed for me. I got tired of being overlooked and of being someone else. The stress of trying to be liked, and people still walking away even for trivial reasons, and the realization of what is inside of me, caused a quantum leap into a new dimension.

I don’t remember the exact moment, but I know that one day I stopped caring about who liked me, who wanted to be around me, who was there one day and gone the next. I remembered that before the lost hopes and dreams, before the truncated childhood, and before the hurt had a chance to burrow into my heart, I used to believe…I believed that I could be whatever I wanted to be. I believed that I was lovable, beautiful, necessary. I believed that I did not have anything to prove to anyone but God. I remember years ago when I believed in me. I wanted that girl back, so I brought her back to stay. The reunion has been bittersweet and lonely, but it has been worth it.

Maybe you are now like I was, lost in the cacophony of noise brought on by trying to be everything else to everyone else, and maybe you are just now realizing that you lost yourself. Maybe you forgot that it is ok for you to speak up and express your opinions without fear of being discarded. Maybe you have gotten so far off track in trying to be “just right” for everyone else, that you don’t even know if you can get back to being who you are supposed to be. Maybe, just maybe, you have forgotten how to breathe and appreciate the amazing entity that is you. Maybe…but I have good news for you. As long as you’re alive, it is not too late. Now is the time to pull out every bit of power left in you–to stand up and no longer have to slink on the sidelines. This is the perfect time to rediscover who you are, and allow yourself to appreciate your quirky inconsistencies and even your insecurities, and even in that understand that it is those things which make you the priceless jewel that you are.

Life has a way of turning things upside down, but it also has a way of turning things right side up again, and sometimes that is up to us to do. Are you tired enough yet of being someone else? Then it is time for you to stand up and declare that, “I Am Enough”.


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It’s Over!

Today is an interesting day…I feel like a new woman, yet I still feel like I’m uncomfortable with getting comfortable with the new me. I know that sounds funny, but that’s the best way I can describe it. Even so, I have decided that I will embrace all that is a part of this new me.There are some things that we get used to–a certain way that we’ve gotten used to doing things–a certain way that we talk to others–a certain way that we look at life–and all of these “certain” ways come about by experiences in life. Some things have happened to me that made my perspective in life shift, and the shifting was not always positively. To be completely honest, in some ways I thought less of myself, and I began to see myself as less than who I really am. I had to have a perspective transformation. I was reminded recently that all that has happened in my life-whether it happened a long time ago or more recent-is over! Because it’s all over, I no longer have an excuse to see things the way I’ve been seeing them. I no longer have an excuse to think of myself as less than who I am. Because it’s over I can move forward without looking back. Just like we wash our hands literally, we have to be able to wash our hands figuratively. All of that mess that tries to keep us bound no longer has that power unless we allow it. The funny thing about us is that we tend to hold on to our bonds even after we’ve been released from them. I did that for a long time. Everyone else has moved on, but we still hold on to what has happened. By doing so we neglect to realize all that is before us. By the time we realize all that we are missing it may be too late. It is time for us to release ourselves from our self-made prisons. Yes it happened, and no it may not have been a good situation, but know that it strengthed you. It may still seem that no good thing could come of what has happened in your life, but know that if you believe and you allow yourself to move forward, then you will see the good and be thankful for the bad. All that has happened is over…so you get over it…and move forward!