Not long ago I lay in my bed with tears running down my face, curled into a tight ball facing away from my husband. Before this, my husband was right in the bed behind me, but I had somehow curled away from him. Thoughts raced through my mind, and before I knew it, the tears fell over the rim of my eyes and cascaded down the curves of my face. Trying to pull myself out of my despair, I asked my husband one simple question…at least I thought it was simple…I asked him, “Would you miss me if I wasn’t here?” My husband, sounding utterly confused, asked what I meant. I asked him would he miss me if I were no longer alive. At this, I felt him perk up in the bed behind me, and he hesitantly asked me where that had come from. I did not want to talk about it, so I told him it was not important. He would not let it go, and eventually I told him that I felt replaceable. I explained to him how I felt that no one would miss me if I were no longer around. Then I delved into the depression I had been battling, and the feeling that no one really cared about me. I admitted to myself that suicidal thoughts can even touch those who are seemingly so strong, and I admitted that right then I was not strong enough. My husband’s next words to me were slightly angry as he asked how I could ever think something like that, then he switched to soothing and encouraging as he told me how much I mean to him and others. He told me that if no one else needed me or cared, he does, and he told me to never think such crazy thoughts again. Then he grabbed me from my tightly curled ball, and would not let me go until I stopped crying and relaxed…learning to trust and daring to believe again. Life happens. Sometimes we feel like no one really cares about us. Many times we smile and laugh, and we try to make people believe that we are worth loving, but take it from me: You are worth loving even if no one seems to believe it. But, first you have to love yourself. I had to understand that my life does have purpose, and that no matter how dark things seem, just like the night-time, the morning has to come. Maybe you are like I was, feeling desperate, lonely, depressed, and seeking a way out. Maybe your prayers have seemed to get only as far as the ceiling as you stare at it. Maybe the words you want to say are not coming out clearly. Just remember one thing…your life matters. You are necessary. You are loved. You are NOT replaceable. You may be fighting, but you are powerful, and with God’s help, you win. I win. Believe.
We all have those moments. Yes that moment. The one you just thought of. At least that is what I just thought of. The moments when you feel like you are all alone on an island-the only survivor from a plane called life. Sometimes it seems that everyone else gets all the attention, and like no one truly sees you. You watch seemingly everyone else around you get affirmation and applause, but you are the outsider looking in. You walk through life, often hurting, but it seems that no one sees you. You wear a pasted on smile, wondering if anyone will notice that your eyes are just a little too bright, hiding the sheen of tears threatening to fall down at any moment. You spend your time giving everything you have to everyone else around you, yet it seems that when you need someone, they are off giving someone else what you so desperately need. Inside you scream, but outside, you are the epitome of happiness. You have become a good actor/actress, so good in fact, that you can almost fool yourself. Almost. There comes a point though, when everything seems to weigh you down. That pasted on smile begins to droop a little. Still, it seems that no one sees you. You feel like the weight of the world is all on your shoulders, and if even a feather of a thing dropped on your shoulder, you would fall and never get back up. You feel alone. Yet you are never alone. Someone else is dealing with the same thing you are. Someone else is feeling your pain. I have been in this place when it seemed that I was the one no one seemed to see. It was almost as if even if I walked into a room no one would notice me. I convinced myself that no one cared, and that I was not important. I believed that if I were not around, no one would even miss me. I flirted with suicide. I thought about how I would do it, and what I would use. I even planned out when I would do it. Alas, it wasn’t to be. God had other plans for my life. Sometimes we get in such a low place, and we allow our emotions and negative thoughts to talk us into decisions that we can never take back. It is only because of God that I am still here today. That’s one of the reasons I believe in Him. Even now, when low thoughts try to come, and when it seems I am all alone, I have to remember that I am never truly alone. My circumstances may seem that way. I may not have a plethora of friends, or a list of people I can call on at any given moment. What I do have is the belief that God loves me, and that the people who are supposed to be in my life are. I also remember that regardless of how it may seem the complete opposite, someone in this big world does need me. I am never alone, because someone else is waiting on me to remind them that they are not alone. The cycle goes on, but only if I continue the movement. You may be in a low place. You may feel like no one cares. Know this. I care. I believe in you. You are never alone.