Life Happens

From the Heart of Grace Waters…


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Delayed Childhood

Life can be strange, but wonderful at the same time. We all have different experiences and so many factors contribute to making us who we are at this present moment. Some of those experiences have been amazing and life-changing, while other experiences have been desperate, but still life-changing. Many of us remember tears and laughter, ups and downs, victories and setbacks–a constant cycle of “good” versus “bad” in the constant cacophony of a our individual worlds. Looking back, I see situations that, at the time, I perceived as bad, and I mean REALLY bad, but they ultimately worked out for my good. I also see situations that I thought were good that were actually wolves hidden in sheep’s skin, and I probably should have never gotten involved. Either way, the experiences shape us and prepare us for what is to come. So, as I began to ruminate on life and the roller coaster it has been, I realized that some things that I had going on now were due to my delayed childhood.

The low self-esteem issues that I never dealt with caused me to be a hesitant and uncertain adult. I began to think I was not good enough and that no one could ever love me. I did not think that anyone would value my opinion or what I had to say. I shrunk back from attention believing that people would realize I was worthless, and begin to treat me as such. I did not believe in me. This was all because growing up in foster care, not everyone believed I would be anything. I remember the one foster parent who was talking to someone else (thinking I would not hear about it), who said I would not graduate college. Instead, I was supposed to end up pregnant and drop out of college; thus, in their eyes, becoming worthless. I remember that same foster parent telling my boyfriend at that time that he was too good for me, and me finding out just how low I was thought of by the person who was supposed to be my parent. Over the years and various homes, each time they sent me away, I felt I was not good enough. There had to be something about me that made me unworthy. No one wanted me. Or so it seemed. But then, HE wanted me. He showed me attention. He said nice things, but then he too showed me I was worthless when HE took my childhood innocence. HE cared about what he could get from me, but even he thought I was disposable. So, I grew up way too soon. I rehearsed what had been said and done. I believed it. So, when I finally came to a place of realizing that even I have a purpose, I denied it. What if what “they” said was true? What if I really am not good enough? What if I try and fail? What if no one cares? What if I really am as worthless as “they” believed I was. What if I fail God? What if no one values me? What if….? So, somewhere in there, I really believed that I was not enough for my journey, and that I was not built to succeed.

But piece by piece, God begin to put my “puzzle” back together. Here and there my confidence was built. One person at a time, my heart begin to mend, and I began to believe that maybe, just maybe, I was good enough to make it to the end. Peeking around the corner, I began to see the warm glimmer of hope. Timidly I stepped out on a faith road, and inch-by-inch, I began to make my way towards a tiny light I saw on the horizon. Then one day, I looked up from my travels, and I looked back realizing just how far I had come. But, then the reminders began. “Just because you made it this far doesn’t mean you will finish,” is what my mind told me. I had a Sherman Clump moment from one of my favorite movies when the memories became too much. Instead of giving in to the noise, I shouted within myself, “Yes, I Can!” So step-by-step I began to believe. As each memory resurfaced and each reminder threatened to envelop me, I fixed my eyes on the light and repeated to myself, “I Am Enough. I Am Enough. I Am Enough!”–until I believed it.

So maybe you are traveling on your journey, and everything in life tries to tell you that you will not make it. Maybe your childhood was delayed like mine and all of your stuff from then seems to be coming up now. I am here to remind you that YOU are enough. You can make it. You will make it. Even if it is an uphill climb and a daily mantra you have to recite, YOU have to believe in you, and know that if you can keep your eye on the light in front of you, you can succeed. Life can throw some hard blows. Things can be bitter and desperate, but they can also be enlightening and amazing. Bitter with the sweet, yeah, I know. But in the end, you win. So pick yourself up. Dust yourself off. Set your eyes on what is in front of you, and refuse to lose. You ARE enough.

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Learning to Lose Control

I like being in control. Really, I do. That is not to say that I cannot function when I am not, but it can be a bit uncomfortable. Imagine my surprise when my husband came to me and suggested an East Coast tour for our 8th wedding anniversary. His only caveat was that we would go to several states, and instead of planning what we would do in each, I had to be alright just “going with the flow”. He did not want me looking up things to do, or having an itinerary scheduled. I was supposed to just sit back and let things happen. Say what? I thought that he must have been mistaken thinking that I could or would allow that to happen. As we talked about it more though, I decided that I could try. Admittedly, I still charted our course and where we would stay in each state, but I did not plan our outings or anything else. I allowed myself to be alright with losing control.

As we flew in to our first destination to get our rental car for driving from place-to-place on our way back to Georgia, I was excited. It was good to get away and be able to breathe a little. Still a bit hesitant not knowing what we would be doing exactly, I decided I would relax and see what happened. As each day passed, I felt life’s cares begin to fade away as I enjoyed discovering new things and wandering somewhat aimlessly through each place. As I let go of my control, I rediscovered the joy in being present in the moment. I understood, again, that life is not about having every single aspect of my time being carefully constructed and organized. I remembered what it was to live, laugh, and love without parameters and without knowing the next steps. I rediscovered me along the way. As I released the tendency to plan and to know what would happen at all times, I understood that sometimes losing control is not a bad thing.

Now, I cannot say that I will never want to control things, because I will. My personality lends to having things organized and efficient, but I understand that sometimes life will just happen. Sometimes it needs to happen…and I have to be alright with that. In the same token, many of us feel that if we let go a little, things will not go as we would like them to. Honestly, they may not. One thing is for sure though; Life goes on. Good and bad happens, but you are built for this. Breathe. Release. Live a little. Life is waiting on you.