A few weeks ago I was riding along in no particular hurry. As I rode along, I realized I was on a winding back road, with no traffic around me. In the moment, I took my foot off the gas and just allowed myself to cruise along. I went around the curves, and had to tap the brakes, but still I did not put my foot on the gas. It was not until I came to a hill that I had to apply more pressure to get over the hill. After the hill, I again took my foot off the gas, and I cruised along. At some point though, I had to come back to the moment, and apply pressure on the gas and brakes, so that I could reach my destination safely. In the moment of letting go, and just allowing my car to guide me, I felt an immense sense of freedom, peace, and the ability to enjoy the moment. I allowed myself the luxury of letting go, but still being able to control my destination. I was not on edge. I was not scared to let go. The moment just was. That was big for me because I am used to being in control. I had not known what it meant to lose control until things happened that threw me unwillingly into being out of control. I kicked and screamed for a long time, trying to regain the facade of control I thought I had. Then one day it just clicked. I got it. I realized that it really is alright to not always be in control. Sometimes you have to just be in the moment. When I got it, though some things did not change, I changed. Life began to make a little more sense. Recently I spoke with a friend, talking to him about some things I had been thinking. I told him that for a long time I tried to ignore things, and pretend like other things did not matter. I convinced myself that the more I denied it, the more those things did not exist, and I was able to maintain control in my life. I was cheating myself out of the opportunity to grow and even learn from those things I could not control. When I understood that what I was thinking and feeling just was, I embraced it, and I freed myself. Freedom from control. Amazing. Now, I still like to be in control. That is just my personality, because I know that there is a certain way I like things to be done; however, I now know how to let go and let things be when it is time for those things to be. We cannot control every single aspect of our lives. While there are some things we may need to handle, we have to remember that life happens, and we flow with it. Our life becomes what we create. If we mess it up more because we want to hold on to the illusion of control, then we are hurting ourselves and holding ourselves back from all that is within us. We are also holding ourselves back from experiencing love, life, joy, and so much more that there is to experience. The beauty in us is that we were created as a multi-faceted being. There are so many dichotomies to us, and our minds work in such wondrous ways, so we can balance it all and just live. Maybe you are holding on to an ideal of how things should be. Maybe you are beating yourself up because you feel like you are wrong for feeling how you feel. Maybe you do not understand how to truly let go. Let go. There is such freedom sometimes in being able to just drift along, and being able to get yourself back in order when you need to. Take a moment. Allow life to happen, and watch as you still approach your destination at the time you were supposed to reach it. Just ride.
Sometimes we are brought back to old places, and it is not always a bad thing. Recently, I was reintroduced to a place I said I would never re-enter. I almost swore that this was the last place I would ever return to, however, I found myself right back in that place. As I looked around, I remember what it was like the last time I was in that place, and I felt the familiar distaste for where I was, but I had no choice but to be there. Because of that, I began to dissect my feelings to understand the root cause. As I analyzed myself, I realized that I did not want to return to that place because I felt I was too good for it. I almost had a sense of entitlement, as if I never had to lower myself to being there again. I thought of myself “more highly than I ought to”, and I laughed at the idea that I would ever need this place again. However, life happens, and as it sometimes occurs, I found myself back in that place. I understood though, that there was something I needed to learn this time, and after that I would never have to return to that place again. I had to learn to humble myself. I had to understand that my educational background and experiences do not automatically qualify me as “better than” anyone. Pride made me return to a place that would automatically humble me. I did not like having to be in that place, but I understood the lesson. As a result, I can say that after enduring this place, in future, I will never have to be in this place again. Sometimes life brings us full circle, and we have to “relive” places and experiences we have already visited. If we learn the lessons we will be able to move forward having accomplished all that we should have already. Then we will learn how to be in an old place, but will be able to navigate that old place as a new us. Endure where you are. Never forget to keep looking ahead. You will get through this too.