Honesty…

I am NOT ok. Whew. That statement is scary. It makes me vulnerable…makes me feel weak…less than.. BUT it’s the truth. Especially for me…someone who prides myself on being able to encourage and uplift…motivate…inspire. I haven’t been ok. Instead of acknowledging this fact, I have spent time trying to convince myself that “this too shall pass,” and while this moment WILL pass, honesty in the present is just as crucial for healing in the future.

See, I knew my hormones were all over the place as we were in process of expecting our final baby. Life was lifeing, and so much was unsure, but I figured the birth of baby boy would even me back out. Everything would right itself. All would be just as it should be again. That’s what I thought. The initial euphoric feelings after birth soon gave way to uncertainty…then sadness…then feeling as if my life would only ever be that of “mom.” Every accomplishment I had to this point washed down the drain and rendered void…because how could I effectively be ALL the things I felt were in me with three lives to look after? I didn’t FEEL like doing things to even plan for a future after my official maternity leave. Alone moments found me welling up in tears, feeling such a deep sense of loneliness…unhappy…ugh, who was this ugly, unappealing, uninspiring person I saw looking back at me? What did I still have to offer besides being mom of three? I was spiraling, seemingly out of control…but, one day, I got up…

…and not only did I get up, but I put on real clothes, fixed my hair, put on earrings, and even sprayed some perfume. One day, I felt myself clawing my way back…not to what was, but to a new and better me…one only improved by the added badge of honor of being a mom times three. One day at a time, I have begun to find my way. I am not ashamed anymore that I even fell into such a low place. I’m more ashamed that society sometimes makes it seem that being low means you’ve failed. No, being in a low place makes you human. But, it’s the totality of the journey that makes this human experience worth it.

Now, life is not perfect. I know low times may come again…BUT, I also know that I can make it out of them each and every time. There’s always something worth fighting for. We just have to make sure that we start with realizing that honesty with ourselves matters most, and WE are that something always worth the fight.

So, we press…