When My Earth Stood Still

I remember it like it was yesterday…that day when my entire life shifted. Never could I have imagined that things would ever turn out the way they had. I never thought that I could EVER do what I had done. Never. But it did. I did. The worst thing was…I couldn’t take it back. I could regret it. I could apologize for it. But I could never take it back. This “it” became something upon which I based so much of my life from that point forward. Yes, I know you may be curious about this “it”, but suffice it to say that it’s something I thought I could never be a part of. Six years ago, I proved myself wrong, and my earth stood still. I was on the precipice of who I was before, and who I would become because of what happened. I did not lose all of my earthly possessions, but in the aftermath of what I have deemed “my greatest mistake”, I lost my sense of self. I lost my confidence in who I was and who I could become. I began to believe that I would be nothing, that I could not have good things, and that my one mistake had disqualified me from all things to come. I took on a sense of false humility, and I began to allow people to treat me in the way that I had come to accept as my fate–all because I messed up. I remember what it was like before “the great mistake”. I cannot say that things were perfect, but things were going mostly according to plan. I could see the future, and for the most part it was great; however, there was a void that I tried to fill, and my attempt created a hurricane in my life. Maybe you have been there. Maybe you did something you thought you would never do. Maybe you think less of yourself, and you give in to others’ negative thoughts about you. Or, maybe you have never made that “great mistake”, but you have judged others for what they have done because it seems they got away with it. Believe me, that is NEVER the case. You may not see the consequences, but they are always there. I lost me. I stopped loving me–for a long time. I no longer believed I could be all of the things God created me to be because I was blemished, flawed, messed up…I was so low. It took a few years, but slowly, things started to shift. While I still remember the pain I caused others, and the defeat I felt within myself, I began to crawl out of the hole. An uphill journey, I picked up my “cross” again. I decided to stop being that low person, and slowly, I began to believe again. Almost at a snails’ pace, I picked up the pieces of my shattered heart and the tendrils of my low self-esteem, and I began to embrace confidence. Now, this was not that confidence in which you KNOW without a doubt that you are better than where you are. No, this confidence was that kind where I embraced the fact that I was not as low as I had allowed myself to become, and I understood that there had to be more than where I was.  Afraid to come out of my shell, I crawled out. When people got too close, I sometimes ducked back in, but I made myself continue coming out. When I felt judged, I ducked back in, but I kept coming out. When I had to endure hurt because of the hurt I caused, I learned to take it, but not stay in the hurt. Eventually, I began to resemble the woman I once knew. It’s interesting that the day my earth stood still was also the day that my life changed for the better. I did not realize it then, but that day birthed something out of me that was necessary. It hurt to birth it. I never would have chosen this path if I had been given the choice, but it was necessary. I remember what it was like to have things come to an abrupt stop, but now as I revel in my journey, I can finally say that my earth has started to spin again. I believe again. I can BE again. It hurt, but it was worth it. If you are going through something, and it seems things will never shift for you, endure the process. Watch as your earth starts to spin again.

Above It All

Daily life can be inundated with things that can so easily get us off track. Before we know it, we have slacked off of tackling our goals. We have allowed what others are doing to become our daily entertainment, and somewhere along the way we may have forgotten that we too have things to do. Then, we may start believing that what we are supposed to be doing does not matter anymore. Maybe we believe we’re unneccessary. Maybe what we have to say, and what we are meant to do is irrelevant. Maybe it’s time for us to pack things up and find something else to do. At least that’s what we think. But, if it is our purpose, how is it so easy to put it away? Life happens. People are fickle. Emotions are temporary. One thing that has to remain constant is our dedication to who we are. That is regardless of anyone or anything else. Admittedly, I have had my moments lately-moments where I got so frustrated at the seeming lack of support, or I started comparing myself to others. I had to come to a realization though that I am peculiar. Who I am and how I do things is unlike ANYONE else on this earth. My voice was specifically created for people who will hear me. In the same token, you are set up to reach those meant for you to reach. Never settle with being less than you are. Instead, challenge the complacency when it threatens you. Challenge the low self-esteem and doubt. Hold on to your victory. You have gone through too much to back down now. Stay above it all.