Honesty…

I am NOT ok. Whew. That statement is scary. It makes me vulnerable…makes me feel weak…less than.. BUT it’s the truth. Especially for me…someone who prides myself on being able to encourage and uplift…motivate…inspire. I haven’t been ok. Instead of acknowledging this fact, I have spent time trying to convince myself that “this too shall pass,” and while this moment WILL pass, honesty in the present is just as crucial for healing in the future.

See, I knew my hormones were all over the place as we were in process of expecting our final baby. Life was lifeing, and so much was unsure, but I figured the birth of baby boy would even me back out. Everything would right itself. All would be just as it should be again. That’s what I thought. The initial euphoric feelings after birth soon gave way to uncertainty…then sadness…then feeling as if my life would only ever be that of “mom.” Every accomplishment I had to this point washed down the drain and rendered void…because how could I effectively be ALL the things I felt were in me with three lives to look after? I didn’t FEEL like doing things to even plan for a future after my official maternity leave. Alone moments found me welling up in tears, feeling such a deep sense of loneliness…unhappy…ugh, who was this ugly, unappealing, uninspiring person I saw looking back at me? What did I still have to offer besides being mom of three? I was spiraling, seemingly out of control…but, one day, I got up…

…and not only did I get up, but I put on real clothes, fixed my hair, put on earrings, and even sprayed some perfume. One day, I felt myself clawing my way back…not to what was, but to a new and better me…one only improved by the added badge of honor of being a mom times three. One day at a time, I have begun to find my way. I am not ashamed anymore that I even fell into such a low place. I’m more ashamed that society sometimes makes it seem that being low means you’ve failed. No, being in a low place makes you human. But, it’s the totality of the journey that makes this human experience worth it.

Now, life is not perfect. I know low times may come again…BUT, I also know that I can make it out of them each and every time. There’s always something worth fighting for. We just have to make sure that we start with realizing that honesty with ourselves matters most, and WE are that something always worth the fight.

So, we press…

Just Keep Living

We just came through a season of Thanksgiving…a time when we were reminded of everything we have to be grateful for and excited regarding. High hopes. Big dreams. Joy. But, almost sneakily, those feelings can give way to depression and fear, uncertainty, sadness, as we anticipate the ending of one year and the approaching of another.

For many, we begin to think about all of the things we haven’t accomplished, those New Year resolutions that didn’t quite work, and those lofty plans we made that never came to fruition. In a time of Christmas cheer and glad tidings, some of us succumb to mental unrest and self-pity as we anticipate another year in which we ended it still not having seen the things we hoped for.

But, as sad as it is to see what you’ve envisioned not quite happening, instead of allowing yourself to get down on yourself and lament those not yet realized ideals, remember that as long as you wake up with breath in your body, it is another opportunity to move one step closer to where you need to be. Just keep living. Eventually, life has a way of bringing things full circle–all of a sudden it will all shift into place–it will look like what you’ve dreamed, and all because you chose to keep living.

Don’t give up now.

Seasonal Shifts

As the seasons change, we make adjustments to embrace the changing weather. Many of us have pulled out our fall and winter clothes. Instead of flip-flops and shorts, we have fall sweaters and boots. Outside, nature shows us the shifting of the times as leaves turn color and begin falling from branches, and what was once a vibrant green shifts to browns and oranges. It’s natural. It’s normal. These are the times…

In keeping with the season change, my husband and I were in the yard recently preparing our yard for fall and winter…tilling the garden, pulling up weeds, trimming the bushes, etc. At some point we were separated as he worked on one part of the yard, and I worked on another. My task involved trimming our rose bushes. As I cut away the dead leaves and branches, and even trimmed off some of the flowers, it was cathartic. In some way, it relaxed me to do something seemingly mindless. When I was finished, I was proud of my work. The bushes were neat and even, and I felt accomplished; however, they also looked somewhat bare as all of the flowers and excess had been trimmed away. Then I looked down at my feet and saw the flowers mixed in with the dead leaves and branches, and a part of me got sad. Beautiful flowers and so much foliage lay waste on the ground. I knew it had to be done, but looking at it caused me momentary pause.

As I stared at my handiwork, I thought about how in recent times. I have felt like things have been “trimmed” away from me. When I had THE career, was out and about doing all of the things I used to do, I felt purposeful, full, necessary. Then, when my life changed and I no longer had THE career or all of the things I used to do, I felt empty and bare. After all, what am I but a combination of all of the things I used to do…the busyness, the need to be needed, the control…admittedly, those things gave me a sense of security, no matter how stressful it all was in the end.

So, on the other side of all of that, I have found myself feeling a bit lost, not having all the answers, feeling unnecessary and not needed. I told my husband how it felt like I no longer had purpose, and because it felt that no one really sees me, there was no point in “doing” in this seemingly empty place. Stripped bare from all of the things I used to rely on to give me meaning, I wallowed on the brink of depression, flirted with the thought of not being worth anything…yup, me, the encourager, struggling…

But, even in my sadness at seeing the rose bushes stripped bare, a thought came to me regarding the last time we trimmed the bushes. It looked just like after I cut them this time, but slowly, I noticed flowers coming back, and before I knew it, the flowers grew back bigger, fuller, more vibrant, and as if they were never cut down. So, as I stared down at the destruction around me, I thought to myself, “But, it won’t always look like this. After a while, there will be evidence of growth, and the bushes will flourish again.”

In that same token, so will I. So will you. We all go through seasons of feeling…not enough…but eventually life happens, and we begin to understand the lessons taught in those seasons. One thing that always holds true, no matter how dark the day, another day the sun will always come from behind the clouds. As this seasonal shift came with some not so perfect accessories, so will another season with just what we need. Embrace the shift, and be ready for what’s to come. Singing, ” the sun will come out tomorrow. Bet your bottom dollar, tomorrow…”

Fear Freedom

Fear has this way of incapacitating you, encapsulating your mind in an endless stream of doubt and uncertainty, making you feel that nothing will ever be any more than the moment when fear took over. Fear is debilitating, insidious, and often creeps in such a way that you don’t realize you’re a prisoner to fear until you try to believe, but fear tells you things will turn out exactly the same way. Fear is a cunning mistress, and makes it difficult to ever let go, but…

…it’s NOT impossible. In just the past few months, I have had things happen that I never thought I would face. These things caused me to doubt myself, question God, and wonder if life would ever be “normal” again. I battled depression, hurt, shame, and an overwhelming cloud of feeling meaningless and unnecessary. I doubted my influence and relegated myself to being unimportant. Then, as it had silently crept in, I realized that I was seeing my future through the eyes of fear…afraid to hope or expect, not daring to believe that I would smile or laugh again, certain that my heart was broken beyond repair. Me and fear had a good thing going on.

But, as situations have come up that look similar to what was, I have had to stand at a crossroads between this overpowering fear and my used-to-be unshakeable faith, and decide which direction I wanted to take. It would be easy to go the way of fear, protecting my heart, not expecting, never hoping. Existing, not living. But, what about the inevitable joy in hoping and having your hopes realized? What about the moments that make the hard times hurt just a little less? What about living? So, as I stood at that crossroads, I chose faith, knowing that everything may not work how I want it to, but knowing that ultimately it will work in my favor.

Fear is not a great companion. It climbs on you, then makes its way to your heart, sucking the life out of every part of you that would to believe in better. Fear is powerful, but you are much more than that. You are unbreakable. So, whatever you are facing that fear wants to tell you it will turn out the same way as before, I dare you to believe differently. I challenge you to pull on every bit of strength and faith you have, and know that you can handle whatever comes next. Discard the fear. Put on your strength. Today.

We Win

To all of you who are lonely, feeling overlooked, thinking you’re unnecessary, believing that you’re not relevant or heard…those who are givers, lovers, hype men and women, encouragers…to those feeling empty, unlovable, misunderstood, sad without a way to pinpoint your reason, unsettled, unsure, boxed in…you who would never tell anyone how you’re feeling because you don’t ever want to be a burden, or you just think no one would care or want to hear about it anyways…to you, I understand.

Life is difficult at times. Sometimes the depths of the feelings in your heart renders you speechless. Then, all of those emotions began to crawl over themselves until silently you are screaming, but outwardly, you appear calm and in control. But, I come for you today. Not as someone who just wants to encourage you, but as someone who has, even recently, walked in your foorsteps.

It is hard to feel so much, but be expected to function. Wanting to escape from it all becomes your daily thought. When you do peek out of your shell and try to express your hurt, hopes, heart, it’s not always received…so you find yourself crawling back into your corner. Looking out. Alone.

BUT, I am coming to pull you out. No, everyone will not understand you. Nope, people won’t always be there for you like you want them to be. No ma’am, no sir, sometimes people will not care about what you do or how you contribute to this world, BUT you are NOT insignificant. Every fiber of your being matters. Every intricacy, quirk, eccentricity, nuance, and “uniquely you” tendency matters. I KNOW it hurts to feel the way you feel and keep functioning, BUT I also know that those of us who feel the most are often meant to heal the most.

You were not created to burrow in your feelings contemplating how you can disappear. The answer is not to run away. Suicide WILL NOT be your escape. WE CAN DO THIS.

So, as you sit looking at impossible situations, feeling that your life has no value, and no one values what’s in you, I challenge you.

I challenge you to LIVE. Fight. Believe again. Go after THAT again. Trust again. Cry it out, but get up and feel what it is to WIN again. I can’t promise it will be easy. I won’t say you will never feel this way again, but I can say that each time you get up, you prove that you are indeed a force to be reckoned with.

I fight with you. I believe with you. We heal and we win TOGETHER. Now, get up.

Corner Chronicles

*This post translates in a different way from my typical blogs. I went with it because I believe all things happen for a reason, and maybe someone needed to hear this come out in this way.*

I see you over there hiding in plain sight, secretly looking around, wondering if anyone notices you. I see you tentatively step out, hoping to be seen, but quickly stepping back into your corner when no one looks your way. I feel your repressed pain emanating in waves from where you stand, pressed into a corner, comforted in knowing that at least no one can get to you without you seeing them first. Inside, you desire to be seen, to be loved, to be appreciated, noticed, but outwardly you present as confident and content. “After all, if no one cares to see what’s really going on, why should you have to tell them.” At least that’s what you convince yourself to believe. You sit in your corner and you wonder time and again why it feels like you’re overlooked and unnecessary. Why is it that no one seems to notice you unless they need something? If you weren’t there in your little corner, would they even miss you? You watch as it seems life keeps passing you by. Others are appreciated. Great things happen to “them,” but you sit holding the pieces of a heart yearning to be seen, to be wanted, to be celebrated. To everyone else, it looks like you have it “going on.” You know you’re hurting. But, where do you turn in a world that seems to only be concerned for itself? You tried praying, but even in that you felt as if your prayers only reached the ceiling. You tried expressing, but that only went so far. You tried to massage a hurting heart by staying busy and filling your empty moments with busy work, but that busyness only piled onto the hollowness and echoed as it all fell to the bottom. So, you retreated to your corner. You’re not ready to give up on the world, but you can’t find your place in it. What do you do with a life that doesn’t seem necessary to anyone around you?

Well, I see you, trying to mask your pain under the facade of confidence. I see the hurt, the desires, the strength for everyone else but yourself. I see your propensity to give and give to others, at the expense of yourself. I see you. I see how many times you were ready to throw it all away, to drive and keep going, to disappear and turn off your phone. I see you. Those times you were so frustrated, but others needed you to be level-headed, so you buried your frustration. I see how you have wanted to jump up and down to get people to really care about you, but instead you kept loving and giving out of a place of emptiness. Functioning on fumes, you’re somehow still standing. “If “they” only knew how close you were to giving up, would they care?”

But, I see how each time you contemplate giving up, you take another breath. You wipe away the tears, and you stick your chest out. You declare to yourself, “If I can just make it one more day, I will be alright.” Then, you take just the tiniest step out of the corner, determined that you will not go down in defeat. I SEE you winning.

You are NOT alone. Just the fact that you’re breathing makes a difference in this world. Who you are, the essence of your being, the purpose in your body, makes the world better just because you are here. Yes, the encourager sometimes needs encouragement. The giver needs to be poured into. The lover needs to be loved; but, you made up in your mind that no matter how low you feel, you WILL NOT be defeated. So, I celebrate your victory. I give you a standing ovation for choosing life. This moment is not the end for you, and I anticipate every joyful moment to come due to the wealth of tears you have sown. I see you living victoriously. So, right there in your little corner, I see you as victory. Can’t wait to celebrate with you.

Do I Really Matter?

A question as old as time itself…and an answer that can be heartbreaking…this question often reverberates through our minds. It makes sense because we are only human, but sometimes acknowledging the fragility of our humanity does not offer us solace when the answer to this question leaves us wanting. What happens when you ask yourself this question, then you look around at the “evidence” in your life, but you can’t find anything that seems to lean towards the answer being a resounding “yes”? Do you just stop trying? Do you give in to the depression that waits just an inch outside of your proverbial bubble? Do you even dare to keep believing that you will see everything your heart could ever hope for? Do you?

For some reason, I have been in this place of wondering if who I am and what I do matters? With all that I give, and in each of my businesses, I have still wondered if I am talking to and encouraging myself. Seeming lack of response, and watching what seemed like everyone else supporting others, left me in a low place. I stopped writing. I stopped encouraging. I stopped hoping. I hid myself in plain view, but I was not me. The funny thing was…no one seemed to notice. That left me even deeper in the hole of depression until those old thoughts of just disappearing and never coming back began to resurface. Yeah, those negative and dismal thoughts that are only supposed to apply to anyone else but a motivator…those thoughts. I was in a rough place.

Finally, I couldn’t take that place anymore, and I cried out to God hoping that at least He could see me. He could. He never left. I just stopped believing. So, piece by piece, I began to rebuild my broken heart and shattered dreams. No, no one came to my rescue, and yes it still feels at times that no one cares, but who I am and what I do is about more than just me. If I don’t write, who will miss being encouraged because I didn’t do it? If I don’t speak, who would miss hearing the very words that could save their lives? If I don’t mentor and coach, what young person will grow up believing that they don’t matter? If I am not me, someone else is affected. Even when it doesn’t feel like it, that one truth remains.

Your life matters, and maybe you get tired of giving and not seeming to receive, but keep believing that one day things will look so different. One day you will look back at these times and thank God you didn’t quit when it was easier to just walk away. There is something so magnetic and necessary about you, so don’t allow life to lie to you. Your circumstances are not bigger than you. The hurt can’t conquer you. You MATTER.

Silent Tears

Sometimes you just hurt. Not that surface kind of hurt, but that deep-down, soul-wrenching, unexplainable hurt. That hurt that seems to invade every facet of your life until you find yourself drifting through each day, pasting on the appropriate smile, and saying just the right things. But that pain deep inside is there as a constant reminder that things really are not as they seem. I have been there. “Where is there?” you may ask. There is where you silently cry as your significant other sleeps beside you. You soak the pillow with your tears, feeling lonely even in your togetherness. As you cry, your body shakes as you try to control the sobs from breaking free and disturbing their sleep. I mean, they wouldn’t understand anyways, right? There is trying to describe to someone you love how you feel, attempting to rid yourself of this vast feeling of going nowhere and mattering to no one, and them responding, “Well, you have a good life, right?” as if that makes what you are saying and how you are feeling null and void. Yeah, they missed it. Or, maybe you search through your mind polling the many phone numbers in your phone, but not one catches your attention as someone you can call and have them talk you out of this lonely place. 

I mean, when you look at the surface, life is great, right? You have everything you need and some things you want. You have a loving partner, maybe family and friends, even some children sprinkled in there. You are the one everyone depends on to encourage them and be there for them, but sometimes you want to shout “WHAT ABOUT ME?” On the surface, you have it going on,  but no one knows you’re struggling with being a hamster running around the proverbial wheel of life, seeming to get nowhere, but running because that is what you were told to do. The days spent building up others’ dreams while you see yours collecting dust on the shelves are tough days, but you grin and bear it. You have no choice, right? Working a 9-5 you hate because your family has to eat, right? Pushing others to be great when you want to give up. Yeah, I know what “there” is. But even with all of this that no one ever sees, you manage to make life look amazing. 

That is because even with all of that, it really is. Even with the soul-searing pain, at least you can still feel. Even with the loneliness, at least you still function. Even when it seems no one on earth understands or cares, there is still One who knows just what He is doing every step of the way. Maybe you are in the place I described. It is a ROUGH place, it is, but it is not the end. You may feel like giving up. Been there. Suicide has crossed my mind several times. That is not the answer. That is only hurting others because you hurt. Next up, getting in a car and just driving…disappearing like you see in the movies. Yeah, that would not work. Eventually someone would find you or you would just get tired of running from yourself. Well, maybe if I turn my back on God who doesn’t seem to care anyway, and I just do whatever I want, that will change things. Nope. Same issues just masked by “good times” which are really camoflauging empty moments. 

Sometimes just acknowledging the feelings is the first step. Acknowledging that you are broken and hurting, feeling unnecessary and overlooked, seemingly unproductive and thinking you can be easily replaced, yeah, that is the first step. Unfortunately, this may be a journey you take alone. It may be the roughest journey you ever embark on, but in the end, if you can acknowledge it, you can beat it. So, yeah, maybe there will be a few nights, weeks, months, of tear-soaked pillows…Maybe your phone will become useless as you can’t figure out anyone to call, but in the end you win. Let the silent tears flush out the bitterness and the hurt. Allow yourself to be in the moment, and know that as long as there is a tomorrow, there is another chance for things to get better from here. It has to get better. It just does.

Uncomfortable Reflections

As the year draws to a close, many are looking back over the year and reckoning with the decisions they made throughout the year. Others are celebrating a great year. Still others are standing in limbo because they never quite caught up with the year, and now they are facing another year filled with its own uncertainties and obstacles to overcome. All of this is normal as the end of the year tends to be one of introspection. It definitely is for me. I remember coming in to 2016 “bright-eyed and bushy-tailed” as the saying goes. I remember my high hopes and declarations regarding this being the greatest year of my life. 2016 was a year supposedly filled with endless possibilities and unlimited greatness. At least that was my plan. I forgot that my plans have never quite worked out as I have imagined. Now, that is not to say that there were not great moments this year, because there were many of them. I accomplished a lot. I learned many things about myself and others. Somewhere in this year, I recognized myself again, and I realized I like who I have become. I also experienced one of the greatest periods of depression I have ever had. I almost gave up on a lot of things more times than I can count. There was a point where I did not like myself, nor believe in my value. Low moments. High moments. Such is life. With the euphoria of the new year, I forgot that life sometimes happens, and I forgot that sometimes bitter comes with sweet. But at the end of an interesting year, I can say that I have come a long way. Perfection? Not at all. Better? Definitely. Now, I could be fearful about what the new year will bring. Believe me, a part of me wants to be. But I won’t.  I could allow my doubt and frustration to make me believe that my dreams and goals that I did not accomplish this year will never come to pass. But, I would be doing myself a disservice. I could do many things, but one thing I will do is believe that this upcoming year will bring more sweet than bitter, and more finish lines being reached than cramps along the way. So as you approach this new year, don’t refuse to reflect or have resolutions. Acknowledge your truth for the year, and choose how your next year will be. Decide to be purposeful. Decide to be successful. Decide to perform even with opposition and/or lack of support. Choose to be you. Opportunity is waiting on the other side of your uncertainty. 

Alone Surrounded By People

This goes out to all of those who are alone surrounded by people. An oxymoron I know, but to those who feel or have felt this way, it makes sense. Just imagine being in a room where you’re standing in the very center of the room. All around you people are talking and having a great time. They may even be engaging you in conversation; however, you feel disconnected, disregarded, and unnecessary. On the outside you smile and participate, but inside you wonder if anyone really sees you. I understand. I’ve been there. Sometimes all the cares of life converge on you at the same time. Maybe you have tried to express yourself to people, but they could not or would not understand. Maybe you thought that the people who care about you the most would “just get it”. Unfortunately, that is not always how things work. I understand the feeling of being overlooked and unappreciated. I understand the loneliness and the hurt. I understand the desire for someone, anyone, to prove to you that you are valued. In a perfect world, people would just know what those in their circle need. This is not a perfect world, but that does not mean you have to remain in your loneliness. Personally, I believe in God, so I know that with Him I am never alone. I also have come to understand that there are always people who love me. Even one is enough. Don’t allow yourself to be so caught up in the loneliness that you neglect to understand just how pivotal you are to the world around you. So, I dare you to reach out. To hope again. To dream again. To join the story of your life as an active participant. You matter.